Just Plain Chez

New York to New Paltz

2011-08-18T21:53:00.000Z

The trip so far, though not long into it, has been something of a revelation. It has made me realise exactly how much the people in my life mean to me, and how much I mean to them!

I sobbed my way to the airport and then again as I waited for the plane to leave, and still as we took off the ground. It wsan't until we had left behind the patchwork of greens, golds and browns that make up the landscape of my home that I was able to look forward to the adventure that lies ahead. The cotton wool divide between me and England provided barrier enough for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and start getting excited about my year in America. In truth, I've not felt as I anticipated feeling. With momentary exceptions, I've just not found the explosive excitement that usually accompanies my travels. Still, it's early days yet and I'm sure once I have a room to call home things will start falling into place. I love to sit by the window, despite rendering myself looless for much of the journey. I love to watch the land slip into the sea and back to land again. This time we'd taken a northern route so approximately half way through the flight the seascape turned into small mountains capped with ice. Beautiful. We flew over Canada down to Newark airport. The food was alright; I swear it's better than it used to be, but I missed the slice of plastic cheese! Upon approaching land, my usual jubilation was non existent. The land I saw below me was not a land I knew. It is not my country and not a place I recognise, despite visiting countless times.

Other than my sobbing, the flight was uneventful. Unable to sleep, I watched the inflight films: Gnomeo and Juliet and Gulliver's Travels. Both very silly and remind me why I don't watch films much these days. Gulliver's Travels proved to be yet another vehicle for Jack Black. The third film I watched was Chronicles of Narnia Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The films are a little Hollywood for my liking but as I'm an childhood fan of the books by C.S. Lewis, I'm still fond of them. Though the young girl who plays Lucy should really check her acting, lovely though she is. (Everyone's a critic!). I found myself getting choked up at every single sentimental point in the movie. The worst being the point in Chronicles of Narnia when the characters are saying goodbye. I found my tears starting to flow all over again. My misery was exacerbated by my oh-so-wise choice of a program about West End Theatre. Luckily I spent most of that getting annoyed about current theatre catering to the lowest common denominator with shows based on movies or making up stories from one band or singer. Still, that's where the money lies these days.

I must ask my sister about the make up of an aeroplane and how the hell can it fly?

Arriving in the US, it was raining. A lot. Luckily there is an airport shuttle that takes you directly from door to door. I checked into the hostel in the torrential downpour. My bags were - and are - cumbersome. Thanks to Sonia for helping me get to the airport in London. If I'd gone on my own, I think I would have cancelled the whole trip. My dorm in the hostel was in the same building as last time, so in a way, it was like coming home. It was around twelve by the time I'd checked in. Most of the others were already asleep (they told me later they'd gone to bed early because of the rain). I left to get some water and stopped in for a nightcap in the pub across the street. There's something very weird about American pubs. I think it's because of the TV screens. In England, many pubs have TV screens but they are turned on for big games and don't monoploise the room. In the US, they have walls of them that are on constantly. This changes the atmosphere in the pub. In England, the pub is more about the social side of things rather than about the drink. It's a common place where people can meet their friends and spend a couple of hours chatting or whatever before returning to the obligations of their home lives. Here it seems like a place to drink beer and watch a game. Fine, but it's not the same as pubs back home. I think many people outside the UK think we're all about the drink because people often go to the pub several evenings a week. Not to deny we drink a lot, but other people don't necessarily see that the pub functions as a part of the community, rather than just a place to get pissed. In any case, I ordered a gin & tonic and realised I need to specify the call brands that I know or I need to familiarise myself with 'house' brands here. And I didn't get asked for ID. In fact, I've been here four days now and I haven't been asked for ID once. A depressing fact that now I really do look over 25 - in fact, someone even asked me if I've got kids! What's that about??

The next morning (Monday 15th August) everyone said goodmorning, as friendly people are wont to do. If you're not fussy about privacy, sleeping in a dorm is by far the most social way to travel, not to mention cheaper. One guy, I would soon discover was an Australian called Andrew, saw my hoop on top of my suitcase and asked if he could have a go. It turns out he's really rather good. We got talking and decided to spend the day together. We went to the Guggenheim Museum, a beautiful modern sculpture of a building whcih houses many wonderful works of modern art. The featured artist was a Korean artist named Lee Ufan whose work explores space and the relationship between objects. We also saw Picassos and Kadinskys and Manets. Shortly after leaving the museum, the skies turned against us and wreaked a kind of revenge that would have scared Noah into building another boat. We made our soaked selves as quickly back to the hostel looking and feeling as if we'd been swimming in our clothes. Changing quickly, we made our way the 10 blocks or so down to Times Square where we dined at Bubba Gumps, a Forrest Gump themed restaurant that serve shrimp/prawns by the bucket load in a million different varieties. I had a bucket of shrimp, fish and lobster claws (exchanged the fries for broccolli to save guilt) It's not an elegant meal, but truly yum. Anyway, I'd not eaten for almost exactly 24 hours so I was ravenous. We then proceeded to do New York City in a truly Anglo-Aussi manner by commencing on a mini pub crawl, getting drunk on a mix of beer, gin & tonic and margheritas.

Andrew and I went for breakfast the next morning again in Times Square. Well, if it's on your doorstep, why not? We ate this time in Planet Hollywood for the shame, or touristy fun. The rest of the day was uneventful. We both sat around at the hostel planning subsequent trips, travel and accomodation. We lunched at Wendy's - they do the most fantastic apple and pecan salad - before arranging to leave town. I hailed a yellow New York cab and drove off to Port Authority Bus Station on 42nd Street. Somehow I managed to haul all the luggage that seemed to have accumulated during my two days in NY (This was amazing as I'd not actually bought anything) to the bus that would take me to my home for the next year: New Paltz.

Observation: New Yorkers are as friendly as Londoners.

It took no longer than 10 minutes of the journey for the landscape to alter beyond recognition. The cityscape disappeared and in it's place were hills blanketed in green upon green upon green. I spotted many deer along the route as well as a groundhog! I'd not seen one of those for 6 years.

I have spent the last day or so exploring the town. The first thing I saw was a big old purple house advertising psychic readings. It's a hippy town. Lots of veggie shops and hippy clothes and the whole thing smells like incense.

More on New Paltz to come.

USA OKay

2011-08-12T21:20:00.000Z

I have paid little attention to this blog for the last few years. I think it comes from the thought that if you have time to publish how much you are enjoying something, you are probably not enjoying it as much as you claim.

This is, however, before I was accepted to spend a year of my degree studying in New York. I have had many requests for me to start a blog so I'm rekindling this one. Here y'are folks! Get happy.

I'm panicking about the weight in my suitcase at the moment. And doing everything I can to avoid the issue altogether. Hence epidsodes of Midsomer Murders and now a bottle of wine. So, with a day and a half to go, I bid you adieu.

Bucket List

2011-08-12T13:26:00.002Z

My list of things to do before I die...

Travel

Road trip across America (Complete)

Visit France(Complete)

See the Aurora Borealis

Visit Ireland(Complete)

Visit Scotland

Visit Wales(Complete)

Visit Spain(Complete)

Do a Julie Andrews and sing from the top of a mountain (Austria) (Complete)

Take a trip in a Gondola in Venice, and visit Roma and Florence

Work in another country(Complete)

Throw a dart into a map and travel to where it lands

Visit the ruins of Pompeii

Visit Thailand

Visit the Temple of Apollo at Delphi

Visit a Mayan Temple

Visit all seven continents

Travel alone anywhere in the world(Complete)

Take a train trip to nowhere in particular

Leave the Earth (not just in my imagination)

Go on holiday somewhere exotic

Adventure and Fun

Go to Disney World Florida (Complete)

Go to Dollywood (Complete)

Sing (or be sung to) in a steamy, smoky jazz club in New Orleans (Complete)

Go on a cruise

Spend a night in a haunted house

Swap ghost stories around a campfire in a wood or forest (Complete)

Have a ghostly experience (Complete)

Be part of a flash mob

Go skinny dipping (Complete)

Save someone’s life (Complete)

Participate in a Native American sweat lodge

Go on a safari

Sports and Activities

Sky dive (Complete)

Water ski

Go scuba diving

Go rock climbing, on a real rock

Learn how to ski

Learn how to play polo

Learn how to sail (Complete)

Learn how to fence/swordfight

Ride on a catamaran (Complete)

Kayak down a waterfall (Complete)

Ride in a hot air balloon

Go white water rafting (not the Alton Towers variety!)

Swim the Channel

Attend a major sports event (Complete)

Run the London Marathon

Nature and Animal Stuff

Bathe in a waterfall

Plant a tree (Complete)

Learn how to ride a horse properly

Witness an animal birth

Rescue an animal (Complete)

Swim with wild creatures (Complete)

See a Solar Eclipse (Complete)

See a Lunar Eclipse (Complete)

Sleep under the stars (Complete)

Go fishing and eat my catch

Experience a Natural Disaster (Complete)

Wish upon a shooting star (Complete)

See a falling star (Complete)

See a whale in the wild

Grow a plant from seed (Complete)

Film, Theatre and TV

See my favourite singers live (Complete)

Have front row seats at a huge concert (Complete)

Meet one of my ‘heroes’ (Complete)

Be an extra (or star!) in a film

Attend an opening night party

Work behind the scenes on a TV show or film

Perform in front of a West End audience (Complete)

Direct my own theatre show and have it performed in the West End

Direct someone I really admire

Write, and send, a fan letter (Complete)

Ask for someone's autograph and tell them how great they were (Complete)

Music

Learn how to sing (Complete)

Learn how to play the piano

Learn how to play an instrument (Complete)

Learn how to play the guitar

Learn how to play the drums

Romance

Be sent a dozen red roses

Be given a single red rose (Complete)

Get Married (just to see what it's like)

Walk holding hands on a beach at sunset and sunset

Be taken on a completely surprise holiday

Have a holiday romance

Have a song written for, or about, me

Property

Own my own home

Live in a Room With A View

Live abroad (Complete)

Live alone

Rent a home (Complete)

Leave home (Complete)

Share my home with strangers (Complete)

Design and (help) build my own home

Knowledge and Business

Own my own Business

Memorise a poem and pass it on (Complete)

Learn to speak French and use it

Learn to speak Italian and use it

Learn to speak Spanish and use it

Earn a degree

Teach a class (Complete)

Have a job that I really love

Be the boss (Complete)

Money and Shopping

Go shopping in London and not worry about money (Complete)

Give money to a charity with no material gain (Complete)

Vehicles

Pass driving test (Complete)

Own my own car (Complete)

Pass my motorbike test

Own my own motorbike

Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring

Ride on a Harley (Complete)

Learn how to change a tire

Other Stuff

Be someone's mentor

Send a message in a bottle (Complete)

Learn to Ballroom dance

Learn how to blow glass (Complete)

Learn how to juggle cocktails

Design my own cocktail (Complete)

Learn to juggle with three balls

Create my own web site.(Complete)

Learn how to make bread from scratch.

Make my own beer or wine

Give blood (Complete)

Write my will

Achieve something I really, really want (Complete)

Donate my time for the benefit of others (Complete)

Buy my Mum some flowers and tell her I love her (Complete)

Care enough about something to make other people crazy (Complete)

Learn how to take a compliment

When I Rule The World

2011-04-22T10:20:00.004Z

.
There will come a time when I shall be appointed ruler of the Earth. At this point, life will be good, and happy and safe. There will however, be certain rules that must be obeyed and punishment for disobeying will be draconian.

I have a small but increasing Ministry. I would like to introduce you to my ministers.

Minister of Crime and Justice

Minister of Education

Minister of Military Offence

Minister of Trade and Labour

Minister of International Affairs: Asia

Minister of Political Debate

Minister of Athletic Activity

Minister of Religious Passivism

People who drop litter shall be shot in the knee. This shall be known as kneecapping.
There will be no chewing gum, just a plethora of mints
People caught spitting will also be shot in the knee
Everyone will be trained whilst young to use a toilet, and have catch up sessions regularly.
There will be a device installed to detect if people have used soap after using the loo. People who haven't shall be subject to electric shock.
Cafes shall be instructed to stay open longer as they are a far better environment to study than pubs.
Prostitution will be legal and all practitioners will be housed and tested regularly. (What's the point in opening up the store if you give the goods away?)

This list is subject to infrequent updates and ammendments.

.

Because I could not stop for Death

2011-03-10T22:16:00.001Z

.
Because I could not stop for Death

by Emily Dickinson
.
Because I could not stop for Death –
He kindly stopped for me –
The Carriage held but just Ourselves –
And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility –

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess – in the Ring –
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain –
We passed the Setting Sun –

Or rather – He passed us –
The Dews drew quivering and chill –
For only Gossamer, my Gown –
My Tippet – only Tulle –

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground –
The Roof was scarcely visible –
The Cornice – in the Ground –

Since then – ’tis Centuries – and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses’ Heads
Were toward Eternity –
.

Ugh

2010-03-10T12:54:00.011Z

I haven't really touched this blog in a few years. I've been too busy living the London life and going out, drinking and eating out.

I've taken classes at Central School of Speech and Drama, spent far far too much money at Harrods, seen more theatre than I've done...ever. Been to concerts both local gigs and huge shows at the O2. I've gotten drunk and done stupid things, I've had to re-learn how much alcohol I can tolerate (turns out it's not a lot). I've spent the night locked in a graveyard, spent countless nights trying to get home after a late night out. I have had six places to call home in the last three years, missed my Home home terribly and then remembered why I left in the first place.

I've had friends from every country one can imagine without stepping outside my own, and learnt to value the things that are truly British. I've had weekends in Austria and Paris and planned many, many more places to visit.

It's been fabulous and although I've not given up on that, I've suddenly found myself being very broke and I'm looking for ways to keep me occupied that leaves no temptation to spend money. Sometimes I go to museums and galleries, but they have irresistable gift shops. Shops with books. And as I have two severe problems; compulsive spending disorder and compulsive book buying disorder, I have to steer well clear.

So, that leads me to here. I've been reading Julie and Julia, the story of Julia Child and her 'Mastering the Art of French Cooking' and Julie Powell, the woman who blogged about working through all the recipes fifty years later. I remembered I had this blog thing here and though I have nothing as interesting to talk about, it might stand as a diary to innane activities.

I spent the last week scoffing the best part of a biscuit factory. Suddenly realising I'm travelling to the States in August and it's going to be hotter than hell, I should lose weight so I can get some summer clothing without looking like a hippopotomus has squeezed into a sundress.

I'm observing Lent, which basically means I've given up chocolate, alcohol and bread (major weaknesses) and minimised the amount of dairy products I am using. This was great for about three weeks until I realised that certain biscuits have no dairy in them. Then I got hungry. Now I'm finished, I can go back to being good.

So, my basic diet will be largely fish and salad or vegetables. The hardest days are when I'm not working, because there's too much time to sit around and feel hungry. Still, I've given up bread which is the hardest thing of all! And cheese too... I love cheese.

That's sacrifice for you.

MoonStruck

2007-07-01T01:42:00.003Z

Look to the Moon
When She is round
Good luck to you will then abound.
What you seek for shall be found,
In sea or sky or solid ground.

Important Lesson

2007-05-09T16:51:00.002Z

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

Lesson:As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t get worms.

Time Now...

2007-03-31T13:15:00.002Z

Ladles and Jelly Spoons,

It is with deep regret that I have to inform you that this blog is a pile of ... cabbage. The writing isn't good and hasn't been for some time now. I enjoyed it in the beginning, but it became just somewhere to bitch and whine.

So, I'm moving to London. I'm getting a life. I'm going to live until I die.

I made up my mind back in Chelsea, when I go, I'm going like Elsie!!!

Goodbye, goodbye....

Chez xoxo

Cheers

2007-03-12T22:37:00.006Z

I work behind the bar in my local pub. A small dark pub, we don't get all those lager louts in. They can't comprehend a bar without a pool table/fruit machine/television/jukebox. We just get all the old sods, the middle aged mutton-dressed-as-lamb tramps and the occassional 'bohemian' young misfit. The builders and plumbers cram up one end, the business people and teachers take up the other and everyone else fills the space in between. The younger people tend to use the tables, and the outside in the summer.

Disclaimer: I love my job. I really, really do. I've had some fabulous times behind that bar, and some fabulous times the other side! Most of the people who come in to drink are wonderful. Even after a few!

My favourite customers are the ones that seem to think that you've reached the height of your potential by serving a (bloody good) pint in the local. And that, of course, is what you've dreamed of all your life.

And what about those who ridicule you for being....how shall I say this.....odd? Goodness, what would life be like if we allowed all these oddities in our personalities to show through? Can you imagine? There would be people running (well, probably walking - running would show too much enthusiasm) around being...gasp...different. All because their lives are so very interesting with their wake up, get dressed in some attractive shade of grey, and go to their very-well-paid-but-is-it-really-what-you-dreamed-of work and come home and go to the pub EVERY NIGHT! Are people not allowed to be a bit 'colourful' these days? What about dreams? Have they flown too? So what if I'm not the same? And so what if I am still here? SO WHAT? Do you really think that telling me "No one is going to do it for you" is going to help or inspire me in any way at all? Why the heck don't you just leave me alone and stop trying to give me your advice. Oh yes, I can see it worked so well on your own life you have to inflict it on mine. I'll live the way I want to live, when I want to live it. Go away, you stuck up fools.

Hey! You know what? Did you know that when you, as a customer, are rude to the staff, or dismiss them completely, it actually makes their day better? They'll give you all their attention if you wave your glass or money at them - or just hold out your glass and nod. Please and thank you's are so last century. And it really makes them want to smile and serve you well. Don't worry about them spitting in your drink!

What about mumbling? Or even better - chewing. Only enough mind, so the person serving you can't quite make out what you are saying and has to ask you to repeat it three times. For an extra treat, you can look at her as if she's stupid and ask her if she's deaf. Go ahead. Make her day. Don't forget to stick the gum under the bar before you leave! Whispering in the corner with one of those fifty year old women who dress like they think they're sixteen (complete with lip and navel piercings) is a good way to make the staff want to serve you, especially when you raise your voice on certain words that show them that you are taking the effort to involve them in your conversation. Ensure that you stop talking when they come near though, so you can give them your full attention.

Send your drink back a few times as well. The barperson probably has a hangover and didn't realise that you've changed to vodka and tonic today when before you've always had vodka and diet coke. (Here's a good point to offer coke to the bar person). Be real specific with your order as well....Whisky and soda in a tall glass filled half way up with ice. When you get a tall glass of whisky and soda filled up half way with ice, don't bother to stop to think about what you ordered. Try that look we practised before that lets them know you think they are stupid, and demand an exchange. A few extra ice cubes will never do. It ruins the whole drinking experience don't you know. This works really well if you can arrange it so that this whole exchange happens right in front of the barperson's friends.

When you eventually get around to paying for your drink, stroke the barmaid's hand as you hand the coins to her. It'll send shivers up her spine - if you know what I mean. Oh, and make sure that whenever she turns around she can always meet your gaze, you know that the eyes are the windows to the soul and if she could only see deep enough she would know what a genuine soul you are. When she goes on a break, make sure you are standing so you can see her at all times. You don't want anyone else getting too close to her now!

What about the jokes? They've only heard that one oh, I don't know....seventeen times before! Tell it again! Tell it again! It can only get funnier! If you are feeling really clever, when you ask for your drink, you can change the names of the beers to something much more amusing. (Some grand ones are Dynamite into Dynorod, Swill into Swilly, Comfortably Numb into Uncomfortably Numb and Tiger into Roooaaaar!) This one always gets the barmaid going. And when you go to give her your money, you will seem really young and cool if you call it shrapnel, or shillings and whatever....wise and cool and young. The barperson really needs the exercise, so ordering one drink at a time is great - she'll appreciate the opportunity to run up and down the bar seven times per customer. And after all that running around, they'll obviously need a break, so order the stout (Guinness, Murphys) last, she can catch her breath while she waits for it to pour, very, very, slowly.

If you walk behind her, the barmaid would love to have her ass grabbed. I really mean it. Go ahead. You know you want to. She'll love you for it. If you're not quite up to that, or if you are too Fat to squeeze through that five foot gap behind her, you can softly put your hands around her waist and move her out the way, she'll appreciate your gentleness.

Of course, the barmaid will get her tits out for you, if you'd only ask. And she really, really wants your number. If she has neglected to ask you for it, you could always use your initiative and 'borrow' her number from one of her friends' phones when they aren't looking. After you've exchanged numbers, you couldn't possibly walk her home could you? Protect her from those horrible monsters hiding in the bushes! Tell you what, if she's too shy to accept an escort home, you could always quietly follow her about ten paces behind, just in case.... you'll have to dodge behind trees if she happens to look your way though.

Now you have her number, don't forget to text her three or four times a day. She'll most appreciate it if you tell her you'll pick her up from college and the two of you can go out for a meal. If she hasn't any money to reply to your messages, try leaving a letter or three behind the bar for her next time she works. Make sure it's not less than two double pages long though! She will delight in the time it takes to read your marvellous penmanship. Leaving money with it will make her feel extra special! If you're worried it'll make her seem like a whore, you can always leave it in the form of vouchers for one of her favourite shops. (Of course you will have made the effort to find this out) Listen in to all her coversations with other people, just in case there is something she forgot to tell you. Let her know how disappointed you were that she didn't talk to you much last week by sulking or banging your head on the wall. You won't get anywhere if people don't know how you feel, you know!

One final word: Make sure you are absolutely shit faced by last orders, and spend the next half hour trying to persuade them into serving you more alcohol, just one more! You'll drink it very quickly! If you can manage it, you might throw up half the drink you've had that evening, plus that kebab you ate earlier. Try and aim it so it goes on the floor, on the seat and at least three other customers' shoes. Double points if you hit one of the staff as well. Then curl up on a seat in the corner and show them you've enjoyed your evening so much by staying until all the lights are off and they are holding their coats ready to go home.

Welcome to my world.

Enjoy your next night out!

Heavily editied for an underage audience

Jabberwocky

2007-03-09T12:55:00.004Z

Lewis Carroll
(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird,
and shun The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Just Plain Chez

2007-03-04T08:58:00.003Z

I am seven hundred and fifty three years old, and after too long in the confines of structured education and the meagre shanty I call home, I now feel ready to grow and discover the delights this planet has to offer.

I am a dynamic and memorable member of society, and have had the opportunity and good fortune to be able to visit many other worlds, aided by nothing but my own knowledge and considerable imagination. The worlds' I visit are glorious, each one surpassing the last. I have encountered many fascinating beings during my explorations, some similar to our own physical selves, others existing in forms beyond the limits of the average human comprehension.

I am an observer of people and use what I have learned to interact with the inhabitants of other worlds, and to create scenes that would cause explosions in the heads of a normal human being.

In the night I wander through the sunlit lands of the Alaskan deserts, and during the day I rest in the deep jungles of South Texas.

I love to move and dance. I move with the wind to foreign lands where I use the native dances to create visions of unseen light and music.

I've lived my little dramas with all the world as my stage. Unfortunately mankind was too young to be an appreciative audience so I flew to the netherworlds where I ate dragons' eggs, thus causing the extinction of their species.

I play the cello and once seduced a whole pack of trolls when I played in the inbetweens. My favourite classical piece is the Flower Duet from Lakme (or at least it was my favourite until it was abused by British Airways advertising) which I once sung with Jocasta before she gave birth to the child who would later cause the death of his father.

I invited the three Witches from Macbeth to join my coven, but they declined when they discovered my favourite colour was octarine, a colour favoured by their immortal enemies.

I hate football, but only since I was kicked in the shin by a football glove. Swimming is what I really love. I once swam with Moby Dick and made love to Captain Ahab before breakfast.

I was a wicked child who once put vaseline on the stairs of the convent halls before the Nuns' came down for Mass and burnt down theschool's attic. Incidentally, I was not the one who struck the first match.

Once, whilst on a holiday in the Pyranees, I saved my family from a pack of evil Moose(s?). The Moose(s) disappeared and we drove into the mountains unscathed.

Every ten years I buy shares in bottled spring water and gift them to the first person who gives me a red rose.

On tuesdays, I sing with a choir of Angels and paint rainbows across the skies. I commanded the Starship Enterprise to go where no one had gone before. I looked into the abyss to rescue a little lost pig before the abyss looked back into me.

I had intended to spend the next few days following the second star to the right and flying on till morning, but alas, I have to go to work.

That Old Feeling

2007-02-21T15:34:00.004Z

Have you ever had that feeling when you wake up in the morning? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the sky is bluer than it has ever been and everything is just perfect.

Then, you trip on your way down the stairs and hit every single step - hard.

Well, I've hit just about every step and I'm jumping off the stairs before I hit the next one.

That's all.

Still Fat

2007-02-16T20:35:00.004Z

Yes - I'm Still FAT! In Fact, I'm More Fat! When Is This Reign Of Terror Going To End? See - And I Thought My New Red Underwear Was Nice!

Age	23
Nickname	Chronic Obesity
Location	In The Fridge
Occupation	Professional Pie Swallower
Hobbies	Food, Eating, Watching TV. Poking Marshmallows.
Pets	I Had A Dog. I Sat On Him. I Didn't See Him, I Swear! I Think He Died Of Shock Or Broken Bones.
Latest News	Now I think I might just go hang myself in the oven. Perhaps I'll munch on that roast chicken left over from dinner last night whilst I'm in there. It'll make the heat and the death part less miserable.
Fears	Not Enough Food. And The Scale. I Swear It's Busted. I Only Stood On It Once And Now It Sparks - If I Can Find It!
Favourite Quote	"Eat to the Beat" "Pull Up A Seat While You Dine At The Fridge"

Angles of Angels

2007-01-28T18:54:00.002Z

Beware of Angels with their wings glued on.

One Fine Day...

2007-01-28T18:49:00.003Z

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story's true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!

Kubla Khan

2006-11-12T18:55:00.002Z

Kubla Khan
Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Death is Nothing at All

2006-07-29T23:01:00.003Z

My Grandmother died. I am beside myself with grief. She meant so much to me, that old woman. So so so very much. I cannot even put into words how much I am going to miss her.

I have been asked to read at her funeral. She had written in her prayer book a poem she wanted read.

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away in to the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way you used to.
Put no difference into your tone,

Wear no false air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed,
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household name it ever was,
Let it be spoken without effort,
Without the ghost of a shadow in it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
What is death but a negligable accident?
Why should I be out of mind,
Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval,
Somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Henry Scott Holland 1847-1918

Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

A Long Overdue Realisation

2006-06-25T17:07:00.001Z

People are shit. No one can be trusted.

The Sad Passing Of Common Sense

2006-06-01T15:41:00.001Z

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

If you still remember him pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing.

Cheese Please

2005-12-02T18:42:00.004Z

I like Cheese.
Cheese is good.
Cheese is yellow. Cheese is orange.
Sometimes Cheese is even blue.
Cheese is pleasing.
Cheese comes big. Cheese comes small.
Cheese comes in virtually any size at all.
I like Cheese. Do you?

Embraceable You

2005-11-23T20:08:00.000Z

Sometimes It Just Takes a Hug...

Definition of 'Hug' from Dictionary.com

1, To clasp or hold closely, especially in the arms, as in affection; embrace.
2, To hold steadfastly to; cherish
3, To stay close to

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been feeling pretty low recently. Not that I-want-to-kill-myself kind of low, just a little down in spirit. I just love hugging. I think it's the greatest thing in the world! And it's low-fat! I think quite often that a hug is all you need. I know I could do with one right now. No creepy people need apply.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hugs For Health says:

When sharing hugs huggers MUST follow the rules to safe hugging also known as:

Hug Etiquette:

1. Be respectful of one another, as not everyone is a hugger.

2. Ask permission when sharing hugs.

i. May I give you a hug?

ii. Would you like a hug?

iii. How about a hug?

3. A hug is a friendly expression of affection – hug accordingly.

4. A hug is a gentle embrace, not the Heimlich maneuver.

5. Be “in the hug” don’t simply go through the motions.

Types of Hugs:

Me-hug: To warm up our hugging muscles, let’s stretch our arms out then wrap your arms around yourself. This is called a Me-Hug.

Hand-hug: For those of you who do not consider yourself a “hugger”, this next hug is known as the Reserved Hugger’s Hug, is socially acceptable and also known as the Hand-Hug or handshake.

Side-to-side hug: Also known as the buddy hug. Huggers may stand or sit next to one another with arms around shoulders or waist.

A-frame Hug: Huggers stand about 1-1/2ft apart, bend at the waist with only the shoulders up touching. This is a great hug for folks using walkers.

Cheek-to-cheek hug: This hug requires no arms and may be applied to bedridden residents or those unable to life their arms. Simply press facial cheeks together, either facing one another or facing the same way, making this a “kodak moment hug”.

Back-to-front hug: This next hug can be shared with elders using walkers or walking behind their wheelchairs. Huggers always want to let the huggee know you’re behind them, then gently embrace around huggee’s waist.

Bear hug: An all time favorite, full body hug. Hugger and huggee are toe-to-toe,belly-to-belly for a big bear hug!

Hugging Techniques: When hugging, apply a gentle embrace. Many will find they gently pat while hugging, this is a maternal or paternal instinct and is acceptable, while slapping the back of the person you are embracing is not.

Please Note: While sharing hugs, if someone slaps your back, know this is very loud body language, letting you know that person may not be comfortable with the level of physical closeness. Simply step backand perhaps share a side-to-side or hand-hug in the future.

Another hugging technique is to gently rub the back of the person you are embracing. This is very soothing and comforting.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes I just want to cry, I think I need a hug. Just someone to walk up to me and say "You're looking down today" and hug me. Actual physical human contact. A warm friendly hug. Someone who wants nothing more than to hug me. A hug that doesn't suggest anything more. A hug that doesn't involve a pat on the back and a removal, like one removes and offending piece of dust from one's clothing.

I want to smile again, I want to laugh. Really laugh, because I am happy, not because a laugh seems appropriate. I want to walk with a spring in my step and be glad the sun has risen and the day is new. I want to be glad to see the people around me, and to engage in happy and witty conversation. I don't want to drag them down with me.

I want to know why everything that happened, happened. I want to know why I can't let it go. Why it haunts my every waking thought and infiltrates my dreams. I want to know why I just don't care about anything, or anyone around me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I want to sleep, sleep for a thousand years.....and wake to a brand new day.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself"

The Fat of The Land

2005-11-12T16:20:00.001Z

Quod Me Nutrit, Me Destruit.

I weigh so very much. I'm Fat. There's no getting around that fact. Fat, fat, fat, fat. The fattest of them all. Thunder thighs, lard arse, double chins, saggy belly...you name it, it's there - poking out and telling everyone how awfully fat I am. I don't know why people can stand to look at me. It's gross, it's disgusting. And that is with clothes on!

So, I've decided to do something about it. No matter how much it hurts, it's got to be better than eating myself into an early grave. Grossness.

Anyway, how can you help but feel disgusted with yourself when you get comments like this:

So, I've decided I have to lose 70 pounds. I won't relax until I've reached my goal. Only 70lbs.....

You Are Fat, You Know You Are,

Lose That Weight And You'll Go Far.

You're A Size That We All Hate,

Lose It Now And Be Size Eight!

Lose That Weight!

After all, you can never be too rich or too thin.

Click *Here* To Listen To My Meditation

Katrina, Part 2: The Week In Hell

2005-11-03T23:13:00.000Z

Adventures of The Super Doom

Emma, Sara, Lauren and Chez on the pickup truck just before we left for our $10 per person trip to the Superdome. There were 8 of us, and all our luggage on that truck! I found this picture on the website of Sydney Anglicans, an Australian Christian Newspaper that had done an article on Emma.

Pete, Emma, Sara, Chez and Lauren - before we knew what we were getting into!

Mick, Jo, Emma, Sara, Chez, Sirisom and Lauren's bum. See how the wind was blowing? It was whipping up loads of sand and blowing it hard into our faces and legs. It was actually quite painful. Epecially when it got in our eyes.

Queing sunday afternoon

Getting closer!

The line splits to two entrances - we still had about an hour to go before we got inside. We were interviewed whilst we were waiting by a TV crew.

The ramps around the dome, above the seating area. These quickly got to be disgusting.

Two children sitting behind us. We made 'hurricane' bracelets. I do hope they are safe and well.

Sirisom and the two children

Inside the dome. This is where we ate, slept and spent most of our time until we got out.

Over crowded, over heated and dirty. A delightful situation.

My dearest friends, Sirisom from Thailand and Sara-Lisa from Canada

The storm hit monday morning. We were kept away from the doors.

When the roof started to come off, they moved everyone to the corridors. No lights but far more comfortable than those plastic chairs!

The light broke through the holes in the roof.

We spent the days following the light around the dome.

Finally on tuesday, they let people outside. Smokers only at first, then everyone. Everywhere was destroyed and the water was still rising.

People broke through the barriers into all levels of the dome.

Samuel and Emma at a message board put up for people to leave notices of their location.

Outside, but limited space.

The sun started shining again almost immediately. It was so very hot.

People crowding outside to avoid being inside in the gloom and the stench. We were already aware of trouble brewing because of the appearance of more military people and the displays of weapons. Jo and I were making our way outside for a cigarette when we heard a group of people chanting. We looked at each other, it sounded quite like a riot. But our curiosity overwhelming us, we went closer and the chanting turned into singing. There was a group of people singing gospel songs outside. Celebrating that they were all alive. It was one of the most amazing sounds I have ever heard.

The miliary rations. They sure beat camp food!!

On the third day, they ran out of food. Here are eight children sharing one packet of crackers.

The 'internationals' gathered together back on the plastic chairs. It was getting dangerous for us to be scattered around separately. All the guys sat around the girls with bags around them. They feared we would be targetted for being white. Jo and I were warned not to speak to any of the locals and not to talk whilst we were separate from the group as our accents gave us away. People were aware that the military were trying to get us out.

On wednesday, they took all the 'internationals' to the basketball arena a few feet away. They were using the arena as a medical centre.

Safe , at least temporarily, from the brewing anger in the dome, we could only look at the devastation around us.

We volunteered to help with the sick people in the arena. I was a pharmacy runner for triage and helped out with general other bits. There was one woman in there (Marigold Lewis, I think her name was) who was having panic attacks. The doctors said there was nothing medically wrong with her but they couldn't let her go in that state. I thought she was going to die right there in front of me. She couldn't breathe, her drip was bleeding and when the doctor checked it, he took it out and went to insert it in another place but she had had needles inserted into her so many times, there was no where else to put it, he couldn't do anything but leave it out. I held some padding against the bleeding would because it was bleeding quite heavily and began talking to her. She was angry at me, accusing me of lying to her for repeating a report I had heard that they were trying to move people from the dome into better conditions. She said she had been separated from her family and she didn't know what had happened to them. I carried on talking to her though, about her family, my home, favourite things. We talked about a singer, Della Reese, and she told me she wrote gospel music. She asked if she could sing one of her songs. It was beautiful. It took a while but when she left, she was calling me an angel. I really, really hope she is okay now. She gave me something special to remember.

In the Superdome, they had an emergency generator to provide light. In the arena, there was only the flashing strobe effect of the emergency lighting. It was nauseating. In addition to which, there was a siren that had been activated when the arena lost power. In the seating area the only light that could be seen was from outside during daylight. It looked something like this:

When the people in the dome started rioting and breaking through the security barriers, the military were evacuating everyone from the adjecent buildings. The first people to go were the sick people, and the doctors went with them. All the international people were told to gather their belongings together and to be prepared to have to leave most of them behind. Sara and I went back to check everyone was upstairs with the group and one of the doctors tried to kidnap us. He told us to follow him, and knowing he was one of the doctors, we did. When we saw he was going to get on a truck waiting in the arena, we stopped and objected. He started telling us that it was dangerous to stay, and asking us if we'd ever been in a situation like this before. Of course, we answered no and he told us we were the same age as his daughter and he said that he would be beside himself if he knew she was in this sort of situation. Even so, we refused to go with them. All our friends (and our belongings) were upstairs. I think that hit home the situation even more - when the trained medical staff were leaving because they were scared. We ended up staying another day in New Orleans, but we were all together.

After the doctors left and whilst the last few sick people from the arena were being evacuated, we were made to walk single file, in silence, from the room we had kept our belongings. (I want to say where we had slept but I think few of us did, I know I only collapsed with exhaustion sometime in the early hours of the morning), to the lower level where we were going to be picked up. We had to wait there for over an hour, I don't know how long it was in the end - we had done so much waiting that week.

This is Sirisom - she lightened the whole week for me. She's modelling the stylish plastic socks we made from umbrella bags to protect our feet as we walked through the flood waters. Alas, I could not protect my trainers/sneakers.

The infamous fruit truck (with the whole in the floor) that we were all crammed into like....well....fruit. We were told we couldn't be taken out on military trucks as the people in the dome would see us. I don't know the reason why people were so angry about us. Whether it was because we were simply getting out and they weren't, or whether they thought the white people (though not all of us in the group were in fact white) were being given preferencial treatment, or they knew we were international people and they thought that the American Military should be worrying more about the American people. I don't know - I've heard so many stories I don't know what to believe any more.) The females were told to go first, and that we could only take one small bag with us. We surrendered our bags and said goodbye to the guys as they were helping us on to the truck.

We were taken to the Hyatt hotel just over the road from the dome. More waiting. Someone said that we had been to hell and now we were back in hell's waiting room - or Purgatory. They were joking but it's exactly how it felt. They guys soon joined us and our bags were brought separately. Many of us believed we wouldn't see them again, so it was a nice suprise to see our bags again. At first we weren't allowed to go upstairs and we had to sit in the lobby and stay quiet. There was no food or water, only what we had managed to save from the last few days. There were no toilets either and we were told we had to use plastic cups. Jo and I went to find some secluded spot to use. We were told that we should have two people looking out for us at all times. I needed to go as well, so Jo went first with me and Lauren looking out. As Jo finished, a woman went round the corner with a plastic bag to use. A security guard came round and shouted at the woman telling her she can't just squat in a corner. The way he looked at her was awful. It was as if she was some disgusting animal. We tried to explain to him that she had a plastic bag, but he didn't want to hear. He just stormed off. I didn't go at all then. Later, they sort of allocated a stairwell where we could take the plastic cups. That was simply brilliant. Not only did you have to watch the door, you also had to make sure no one was coming down the stairs. Plus, you had to manage peeing into a cup whilst standing on the stairs. They had a bin to put the cups but that soon overflowed so the stairwell smelt awful as well. Not as bad as in the dome mind.

We spent yet another night here. It wasn't really a surprise to us by this point. However, most of us agreed that it was better that they get the people from the dome out of the city first. At least we were away from the conditions in the dome. We spent the night on the ballroom floor. It was the most comfortable sleep we had had all week, even if we did have to lug all our bags up the longest escalator ever made - with no power!

Later on in the evening (at least I think it was the evening...) the phone lines came back on so we were able to phone home. They also managed to hook up an internet connection so we could all queue and send some emails out. We met some more interesting people in that queue. And a group of us stood together and read the news on the internet. This is where we finally managed to get in contact with our families and friends. On the friday. We had been out of touch since sunday.

This is Emma, bless her. She models the expression most of us were wearing permanently by the end of that week.

This is me. A week without sleep or showering. Ugh. I can't even discribe how awful we all felt. I thought I felt dirty at camp!

This is France - she was the most ungrateful pig I have ever met. The military and the doctors had saved our lives and all she did was complain that they didn't get us out quickly enough. We found a boarded up window and were writing messages of thanks on there...well, most were thankful!

Saturday morning. We were finally getting out of New Orleans!! I've never in my life been so glad to get out of anywhere! It was quite an emotional time. Glad beyond words to be getting out of there, sad to be saying goodbye to all the people we had become so close to over the week. It seems strange that it was only a week. It felt so much longer. We took photos of our group together before we left. Here are Patrick, Pete, Mick, Lauren, Jo, Sara and Chez

We had to walk through some more water to get on to the buses. But it didn't matter. We were safe, we were alive and we were finally getting somewhere else! And to a shower!! A shower!! Oooohhh! We had to walk our bags back down the powerless escalator and queued up for the buses, I remember thanking just about every military person on the way out. As we were leaving I heard one woman make a comment about how they were taking the people from the fancy hotel out before them and how we'd all had showers and had our bags with us....I guess she couldn't have been looking at us well (or been able to smell us!) as we looked as bad as she did. That comment stung quite a bit actually, because we had been through one hell of a lot as well as them, and just because they took us out of the dome on wednesday instead of friday, they only took us a stones throw away to the arena:

where we had had only a strobe light after the sun went down, combined with a loud siren that was triggered when the power went down. We also had the possibility of extra contamination from the illnesses that were in that place. Also, the majority of us were volunteering in the medical centre and spent hours working through the evening and well into the night. The only benefit we really had was the fact that there weren't so many people in the arena as there were in the dome. That's it as far as I can see. I object to the people who seem to think we were living in the lap of luxury. Most of the people from the dome were evacuated from the city before us and we still had no beds, no showers and no toilets! And the only reason we still had our bags with us was that we had clung to them for dear life....almost.

These were some of the last images we have of New Orleans. Fires, floods, people who couldn't get into the dome. It was a mess. A huge, huge mess. I hope they manage to recover from this. I can't imagine what it must be like. I hope I can go back one day....

What we had thought would be a day or two spent safely, if pretty uncomfortably in the SuperDome, turned into "just one more day", "soon" and another "one more day". Imagine the most confined, trapped feeling you have ever felt, then make it last a week, fear for your life, add thirst and fear for using the toilet, take out the light, sleep on a plastic chair in the boiling hot atmosphere and make the area wet. And to top it off, add the most revolting smell you can think of, a smell that makes you want to vomit the whole time you are there and for months afterwards. That's pretty much what you had that week.

Thanks to Sirisom, Pete, and Paul for these pictures.

I heard that Oprah had done a show about New Orleans and Katrina so I went on to her site to check it out. What I found was a series of videos showing her taking to the Mayor and going into the Dome (Brave woman) It was hard for me to watch but it shows what it was like in there.....or gives an idea at least, a very real, horrible idea.

Oprah on Location

Room 101

2005-10-12T21:58:00.001Z

The other night I was at the pub and we started playing Room 101. For those of you who don't know of it, it's a show where people get to choose certain things to go into the room never to return. Here's my list of things I think should go in.... (Of course this is just my opinion. I don't need mate mail from all you Big Brother/Mayonnaise fans because I don't agree with you.)

1, Mayonnaise. Uuuuughh....

2, Spitting. Simply disgusting.

3, Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most.

4, Egotistical men. Men who think that you want to shag them just because you're interested in what they have to say, and like spending time with them - or just because you have nothing better to do than talk to them.

5, Litter. It really bugs me. And it's so uneccessary. People who chuck litter on the ground - especially out of cars are the worst. It's just rude. Haven't they ever heard of pockets?

6, Creepy old men. Particularly those who try to flirt. Creepy!! Now, if they were rich...

7, Boy racers. Speeding, revving engines, music pounding beyond reasonable levels, using horns late at night. People honking when you obviously look awful. Who are they impressing?

8, Chewing. People who chew with their mouths open, and people who shovel food into their mouths. Didn't they ever learn table manners?

9, Walking not washing. People who don't wash their hands. Are you a washer, or a walker?

10, Football hooligans. I just cannot understand the concept behind the violence at football matches. I'm really getting into football right now, and I really enjoy watching the games. I especially like the fact that the English are allowed to be patriotic when it comes to football. Of course, I support England - my home, but I've always considered it to be friendly rivalry between nations/teams, not a beat-the-crap out-of-the-opposition fest!

11, Condescending Attitudes. People who talk down to you, or patronise you, just because of the job you do. People who insult your home/life/food/men without justification and those who seem to think that because they are paid more means they are are better people than you.

12, Basic Grammar Mistakes. I'm not suggesting everyone should be fantastic at written language, but basic mistakes such as your/you're and to/too, are just... stupid and/or lazy. UPDATE: I've done this too often recently to put this in here - I still think it's stupid, but to err is human, I suppose.

13, Reality T.V. - My opinion is it's catering to the lowest denominator. Stupid television for stupid people. I just don't get it. Millions would disagree.

14, Seafood. Ugh. Update: I'm now an avid fan of seafood. Who knew?

15, Hurricanes and Superdomes. Do I really need to explain why?

16, Smoking. People who smoke in no smoking areas. It really hacks me off - and I'm a smoker (Not any more!). It's worse when they are told repeatedly to smoke outside, and as a final insult using glasses and walls to put out their cigarettes. It's just rude.

17, Foreign Haters. People who go to live in other countries for what....the money? then go and complain about the people, the weather, the culture, the...the..the... Simply rude. If it's so bad, why did you go there in the first place?

Beware The Goths

2005-10-12T18:05:00.000Z

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord.

Gothic(or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone toparticipating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:-

Frequently wears black clothing.

Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.

Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nail polish.

Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.

Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.

Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ,and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)

Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.

Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.

Takes drugs.

Drinks alcohol.

Is suicidal and/or depressed.

Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method ofself-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)

Complains of boredom.

Sleeps too excessively or too little.

Is excessively awake during the night.

Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)

Demands an unusual amount of privacy.

Spends large amounts of time alone.

Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)

Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.

Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.

Misbehaves at home.

Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is anexample of this.

Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan.This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)

Watches cable television or any other corrupted mediasources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)

Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.

Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.

Makes Satanic symbols and violently shakes head to music.

Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.

Expresses an interest in sex.

Masturbates

Is homosexual and/or bisexual.

Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include:Satanism, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.

Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".

Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center

.~St. Mary's Catholic Church

Bittersweet Return

2005-10-04T13:08:00.001Z

I loved being in America so much. So much it hurt to come home.

But when we finally reached England, I sat in the aeroplane looking over the countryside and couldn't help a grin spreading across my face.

I was home. Home. No matter how great other places are or will be, this is my home and I love it.

I found that most of the Americans weren't as self obsessed as I was lead to believe. A few just didn't want to know about the world outside America, and some were sort of interested but didn't have a clue it existed (except for remembering that they "Kicked [our] asses in that war"). But generally speaking, people were wonderful and excited to meet us, and to share our differences with good humour/humor!

The Gift of Chocolate

2005-09-13T18:47:00.000Z

Those of you have not experienced the delight of Cadbury's chocolate and then been forced to sustitute it with Hershey's will not understand the importance of these posts. Nor, will you believe me when I say I am not a chocoholic.

I am not going to pretend I don't love chocolate, but when it comes down to it, Hershey's just does not measure up. Neither does Hershey's version of Cadbury's. Although it is better than your regular Hershey's bar.

There are so many fabulous, amazing things here in America but I'm afraid chocolate is not one of them.

From Sirisom - One of my Dear Hurricane Friends

Thanks Sirisom - I love it :-D

I hear your needs

I hope this is what you want! Cyber chocolates..eehe

Enjoy:)

Sirisom

I would also like to thank with a giant hug 'Turtle' who gave me chocolate when I was at camp. It was wonderful. xoxo

Katrina Part 1: The Arrival In New Orleans

2005-09-12T16:54:00.000Z

We spent an incredibly cold and extremely uncomfortable night at Baltimore airport. We had decided to save ourselves money and sleep at the airport rather than paying for a night in a hostel that would only be used for a few hours.

After a pleasant day out in Washington, we collected our bags early and made our way to the airport. When we arrived, the place was practically deserted. We found our check in desk and sat on a bench nearby. Typically, the benches were the most uncomfortable ever designed. I reckon they were designed as a deterrent to people staying the night at the airport - hah! The place was freezing. So very cold. We had a restless night, barely sleeping and trying not to freeze to death until the airport started to awaken. We bought a hot coffee to wake oursleves up and checked into out AirTran flight at approximately 5 o'clock Saturday morning.

The flight was comfortable enough. I think I slept most of it, unsurprisingly. We changed at Atlanta and made the last part of the journey to New Orleans, Louisiana. The flight attendent was sweet, she had the lovliest southern drawl. And laughed at the way Lauren spoke when she asked for a drink of water.

I was very excited. I had long heard about New Orleans and the romantic part of my brain imagined a town full of intelligent artistic types, sipping cappaccinos or foreign wines in smokey jazz cafes. It was a place I had wanted to visit since I was eleven, and heard the words "'bout twenty years ago, way down in New Orleans, a group of fellas found a new kind of music, and they decided to call it Jazz...." in the film Victor/Victoria

We collected our bags and made our way to the shuttle that would take us to our hostel. The shuttle driver was an exciting, enthusiastic woman named Monique who gave us a swift tour of the city as we drove past. She pointed out a large cemetry, the huge SuperDome and all the interesting points in the old French Quarter.

We heard on the radio during the trip that a hurricane was thought to be changing course and hearding towards New Orleans. Lauren and I looked at each other in what I can only describe as disbelief. Of all the places in that enourmous country we could have been right then, it had to be in the path of a hurricane. Even after I had avoided going to Florida because I was warned against the hurricanes! There was some nervous laughter from the passengers and comments about how typical it was to arrive in the path of a potential disaster. I don't think anyone quite believed, or fully understood what the news message meant.

We arrived at the hostel in the almost unbearable morning heat, tipped Monique and checked in to our dorm. We treated ourselves to a long, refreshing shower and chatted to Lauryn, another other girl in our dorm. Realising we hadn't eaten since early the previous morning, the three of us took the Streetcar (I didn't get it's name) into town. Lauryn showed us around the French Quarter, the old French market, and the 'interesting' shops around there. She left us in the early evening tentatively arranging to contact each other later to go out in a properly New Orleans fashion.

We stayed for a while and had a couple of drinks, then made our way back to the hostel. We had intended to go out again but the two of us crashed out very early and didn't wake up again until seven the next morning. We were both bitterly disappointed not to have gone out but we would later find that it was the best thing we could have done.

To Be Continued....

The End......and The Beginning!

2005-08-16T17:06:00.000Z

Wow. It's actually over. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone since I arrived in America. It doesn't seem possible that seven weeks have gone by. I have met so many people and made so many friends.

URGENT REQUEST

2005-08-03T20:35:00.000Z

Send Chocolate.....

Chocolate...

English chocolate...
French chocolate...
Swiss chocolate...

ANYTHING BUT HERSHEY'S!!!

The Ultimate Cocktail

2005-08-03T16:22:00.001Z

Ahhhhhhhhh.......
<><> <><>

How To Make A "Chez"

Ingredients:

3 parts friendliness

3 parts ambition

5 parts joy

Method:

Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice.

Add a little wisdom if desired!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

I need a drink.......

Only Two Weeks Left!

2005-07-29T23:17:00.000Z

I can't believe it. We've just finished the fourth week of camp. It's absolutely flown by! I've had two weeks with 'Center Stage' a group all about drama. That was great 20 girls for two weeks so I got to know them really well. I was actually almost sad when they left. I having quite a hard time actually writing everything down; all the people I've met, all the things I'm experiencing and everything I'm learning. It's mad.

The food still sucks. I'm loving the salad bar though. Broadway had me back to tea a few times and she gave me the left overs. So, I have gorgeous pasta (Did I tell you already? I'm a bit obsessive about it.....Mmmmmm good food....) and have it with salad instead of whatever gross 'sloppy joes' or chicken nuggets are on the menu.

I've bought my first pair of sneakers (Trainers in England - think about it) They are Nike and dead comfy. My trainers were falling apart - literally. I wear them too much. Pretty ironic when I consider I didn't want to bring them at all! I really want a pair of light up ones but I'm not sure they go up to adult sizes....alas.

I've made a whole bunch of friends. Birch and Broadway - two awesome women I hang out with (okay - so I bugged until their resistence was worn down and had little choice but to comply!) are a little older than I am but pretty much blend in with my friends from home (yup - I still remember you losers!) And some more my own age. I'm loving it. It's gonna be a shock when I have to leave. Only 2 weeks now. It feels like I've been here for ever, almost.

Anyway - this will have to do for the time being - my legs are aching and it's freezing....well out side it's baking but in the office it's heavily air conditioned. Plus, I have to get up to the top before it gets dark as BOTH my flashlights died.

Sleep well my friends and don't miss me too much because the stars do know that I haven't the time to miss you all!

Peace Returns.....Temporarily

2005-07-09T17:00:00.000Z

Okay, now I can breathe again. All the girls have gone home. Hoooorayyyyy!! Actually most of them weren't too bad. I was in a unit with 'Happy', from New Zealand and 'Squeak' from Manchester. We had thirteen girls between the ages of eleven and thirteen. Most were lovely. We had a couple who wouldn't listen, a couple who were a little hyperactive, one who was into answering back, and all but one rarely said please and thank you. However, it was not a bad week at all. We had an overnight trip to another camp in Kent (not the UK one!)for canoeing. We got a lot of homesickness then but I think in the end they all had a pretty good time. I was just glad to be back in a bad as we'd spent the night on the floor.

The bad news is that when we returned to our camp at lunch time, the three of us were pulled out of the dining hall to be told the news of the bombings in London. Kaz, the camp director was very sensitive and good to us. She took us straight down to the office to call our families to check they were okay. Mine, fortunately, were all fine. Thank which ever gods you are into! I haven't heard from all my friends yet but I'm sure they are fine. At least I'm praying they are fine.

One of the councellors here lost a friend in the bombings. They died in hospital after the attacks. We are trying our best to comfort her. And support all of us from England. There have been many tears amongst the international staff here. Of sadness, shock, relief. And of the realisiation that we are stuck here and are unable to return home quickly.

It was not the news I would have liked, or expected to hear during my first week with the children.

Now for the good news! Next week my group is 'Center Stage'. I have 16 girls aged between 8 and 10 with two other councellors. This time the program runs for two weeks and they are only at camp for the day! Alas, this does not mean that I get every evening off, but I get to help out with a resident group. All the more names to learn. All the more children to love.....right?

Don't Alarm The Llama!

2005-07-04T22:09:00.000Z

This is Reuben. We fell in love a year ago. I was walking through the fields one day and suddenly my eyes fell on the most beautiful Llama ever set on this earth. Our eyes locked and it was love at first sight. I visited him every day for three months, sometimes sneaking out in the night so people wouldn't suspect. It came to the day when we could no longer deny our love and we eloped. We snuck out of the field under the cover of darkness and married the very next morning. We have lived happily ever after since that night. I love you Reuben. xxx

Did you ever see a Llama kiss a Llama on the Llama?

Stroke the Llama to hear The Llama Song! (Thanks Lexi xoxo)

How Much Wood......

2005-07-01T14:58:00.000Z

Would a Wood-Chuck chuck, if a Wood-Chuck could chuck wood?

This is it now. I'm here. In America. America! I've been to New York! Manhattan! On Broadway! (Okay, not exactly how I dream of Broadway but still it's great!)

Here it is. I've been here a week now. I was going to keep a day to day account of my acticities here. But really, did you think I was going to be bothered to do that? And anyway, how many of you were actually going to read it all? Please.

I'm at Camp Candlewood in New Fairfield, Connecticut, if I haven't rammed it down your throat already. We spent the fist night at the Youth Hostel in Manhattan, boy - was that a night. Very loud and very interupted. There was some guy yelling very loudly out side the window. Well, in the end, a lot of us (yes, including me - cheeky!) were up about five o'clock in the morning New York time. I must say it's been a while since I've seen that time in the morning! We had breakfast of cereal (I opted not to have the fruit loops), bagel and fruit. Juice and tea as well. Then we left for camp.

We got a real New York yellow cab, and a real New York cab driver to take us to Port Authority bus station where we had the friendliest bes driver ever to take us to Connecticut. We arrived in Danbury early so had to wait around for the camp director to pick us up. I noticed that it must not be a legal requirement to wear a helmet whilst on a motorbike. I've since found out that it is a requirement to have one on the bike but only recommended to have it on your head! Interesting....

So, camp. It's exactly what you would imagine a summer camp to be like. Lots and lots of trees. Lots of sunshine. A massive lake and wood cabins. We had lunch - Pizza again! Where we had the first sighting of a family of Groundhogs - also known as Wood-Chucks. Brilliant! This week I've also seen an Eagle and a Chipmunk. There was a Racoon sighting so I'm keeping my eyes peeled so I can see one too. Oh, and lots of squirrels.

The lake here is lovely. The only problem with it is it is at the bottom of a very, very, very steep hill. A steep hill that feels about five miles high. Ugh. I see I am going to be either dead or extremely fit by the end of all this!

The showers are great. They are open air, so once we got over the pervy squirrels, we were able to do the 'Herbal Essences' adverts looking up at the trees, standing under the 'waterfall'. They aren't bad either. And for the most part, they are actually hot! Though, we have to walk about three miles to get to them. Oh well.

I managed to get sun burn on the first day, and a touch of sunstroke on the second. Lordy, lordy, lordy - I thought I was going to die. And I was at the lake so I still had to make it up the hill. That will serve me right for trying to get a tan.

The food here sucks. The chocolate sucks even worse. Well, actually - the food is okay. The camp director cooks sometimes and it's very good. The rest has just too much sugar in everything. I'm dying for a piece of savoury bread!! And this is coming from someone who is far, far, far from a health freak. I'd kill for a Cadbury's chocolate bar though right now. (Hint to anyone who has the camp address - and anyone who doesn't - contact me for it!)

It took me until monday to recover and to catch up with sleep and the time difference, but by then I was up bright and early and ready for anything!

We met the rest of the American staff on Monday. Some are really very nice, some I still haven't had the opportunity to get to know yet. The age range is pretty big so it's great to meet people from all ages and loads of backgrounds. Some are really cool!

I've been bitten to death and back again. I gave up with the bug spray a few days ago and have had no more bites than before. I got three amazing ones in a triangle which Fishy has taken a picture of so when I can, I will post it up here!

Yesterday I was told what my first group is going to be. I've been assigned to a group called the 'Paddlers' which are a group of about 13 girls aged 11-13 and we shall be doing canoeing and hiking. We are also staying overnight at an old camp that hasn't been properly used since 1991. We went for a visit and it is gorgeous. It used to be a farm and they used the old farm house as the staff house. It looks like the people who were there just upped and left. There is still furniture and stuff there just as it was left. We went up into the attic. There was a load of old stuff, and a single coat hanging from the roof......random - and a little creepy.

This is a long weekend now, thanks to Independence Day. Okay, so we lost. We got to see all the early fireworks last night though at the mall - and had glowsticks! Woohoo! It's all about the glowsticks.

Wish I could say I was missing home, but I'm really not. Only the bread and the chocolate. The flag ceremony is a little freaky but it's really great to see people so happy to belong to their country.

Anyhoo. I'll probably write again next weekend or something. Have fun until then! Think of me and send me chocolate and all sort of nice things, just so I have stuff in my mail box!!

The First Day

2005-06-25T10:07:00.000Z

Well, here I am folks! The grand old (ahhh, bless - haha) U S of A.
My, my, my - what a day. Some last minute shopping and packing and I'm on my way. It was raining. Well, that's an understatement. Absolutely chucking it down was probably more accurate! Alas, I forgot to take the rest of my marvellous birthday cake with me.

Thanks to a large hold up in Chippenham, I was about half an hour later to the airport than I had planned. It still hadn't sunk in properly that I was actually going! We found the BUNAC rep and she gave me all the relevent paperwork and pointed me in the right direction. My fears about my luggage being too heavy were unfounded, but I was asked to separate my sleeping bag from my carry on bag and to hold it - because it makes so much difference to the plane, I suppose. I said goodbye to my Dad and went through to the departure lounge. In the queue I spoke to a young guy (hi Tom!) going with BUNAC also. We chatted briefly, said our goodbyes and went our own ways. The next thing I knew was him sitting down next to me on the plane! Weird....! And that's the least from the stories I've heard - people sitting next to people who live just down the road from them. (Cue - "It's a Small World After All") Very cool though, and great to have someone to chat to for the journey.It was very cool to have someone interesting to talk to on the flight, especially someone who was in the same boat....or plane as I was.

The flight was, well - a flight. Nothing to shout about really. Virgin Atlantic....the air stewards/stewardesses that really don't belong on a Virgin flight. Loving the red though. A dead sexy colo-r.

I watched a predictable but entertaining film called 'Robots'. It was about robots, suprisingly. I also watch 'The Aviator', a great film about Haward Hughes and the wonderful Katharine Hepburn. Unfortunately, the plane began it's descent and I was unable to see the end. Pants.

So anyway, the flight left an hour late at 5 o'clock English time and arrived in Newark, New Jersey at about 7 o'clock here time. We sped through customs, I mean I was stood there for about 5 minutes, including processing time. Amazing. It took longer to wait for my bag to come down the luggage collection belt thing. A big BUNAC group together and we all were picked up by the grumpiest meanest bus driver you ever saw. (Followed closely by that Fat, bald, pervy one that drives the First bus from Chippenham to Bath!)

We saw the day turning into night driving through the streets of New York, which kind of looks like a bigger brighter London. With more - if that's possible, traffic. The journey was accompanied by the bus driver's fondness for using the horn at other drivers.

Arrival and check in at a Youth hostel where we given a quick orientation, handed room keys, a BUNAC T-Shirt (woohoo!), phone cards and directions to camp in the morning. We were then free to go out and find some Food!!! We found ourselves on Broadway buying the hugest slice of pizza you did ever see. For $2. Incredible.

Realsiing we all had to be up for seven the next morning and that most of us had been awake for about twenty four hours, we made our way back to the the youth hostel and settled in for the night.

PS: Any spelling or grammar mistakes over the next few months are to be strictly ignored! xoxo

The Last Night...

2005-06-23T00:17:00.000Z

This is it folks. My last English sleep. Tomorrow I shall be off to America!

I fly out at 16.00. Think of me!

(Though it's only about a two and a half hour flight - I arrive in New York at about half six!)

(Mr Bush - After Chez returns to England. He's wondering what the hell happened to his fine empire and his bold, brave and beautiful people. Why it is that now they sit rocking in front of blazing fires singing 'Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves' softly to themselves!....)

God Bless America!

They're gonna need all the blessings they can get!

It's My Party.....

2005-06-21T16:47:00.000Z

Happy Birthday! (English)
Buon Compleanno! (Italiano)
Joyeux Anniversaire! (French)
Feliz Cumpleaños! (Spanish)
Ilanga elimndandi kuwe! (Zulu)
Wszystkiego Najlepszego! (Polish)
Quchjaj qoSlIj! (Klingon)
Yom Huledet Same'ach! (Hebrew)
С днем рождения! (Russian)
Taredartzet shnorhavor! (Armenian)
Eid milaad saeed! (Arabic)

23!

Daytimes suck on your birthday. Bring on the evening!

I suppose I could start drinking now....

Thank you everyone for all the best wishes and for all the cards and prezzies! I got loads of pretty things.... Purple things! Pink things! Fairy tissues! Pink wrapping paper! Fluffy bags! Fairy cards! Bottles of wine! Sparkly things!

Thank you Lexi for this....

Some Facts About Happy Birthday from here

Click here to listen to
"Happy Birthday To You"

Happy Birthday to You, the four-line ditty was written as a classroom greeting in 1893 by two Louisville teachers, Mildred J. Hill, an authority on Negro spirituals, and Dr. Patty Smith Hill, professor emeritus of education at Columbia University.
The melody of the song Happy Birthday to You was composed by Mildred J. Hill, a schoolteacher born in Louisville, KY, on June 27, 1859. The song was first published in 1893, with the lyrics written by her sister, Patty Smith Hill, as "Good Morning To All."

Happy Birthday to You was copyrighted in 1935 and renewed in 1963. The song was apparently written in 1893, but first copyrighted in 1935 after a lawsuit (reported in the New York Times of August 15, 1934, p.19 col. 6)
In 1988, Birch Tree Group, Ltd. sold the rights of the song to Warner Communications (along with all other assets) for an estimated $25 million (considerably more than a song). (reported in Time, Jan 2, 1989 v133 n1 p88(1)

In the 80s, the song Happy Birthday to You was believed to generate about $1 million in royalties annually. With Auld Lang Syne and For He's a Jolly Good Fellow, it is among the three most popular songs in the English language. (reported in Time, Jan 2, 1989 v133 n1 p88(1)

Happy Birthday to You continues to bring in approximately 2 million dollars in licensing revenue each year, at least as of 1996 accounting, according to Warner Chappell and a Forbes magazine article.

Your Birthdate: June 21

Being born on the 21st day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life.
The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental.
There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude.

You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression.
Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing.
You are energetic and always a good conversationalist.

You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters.
Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about.
You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive.
You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Voice of An Angel.....

2005-06-20T18:34:00.000Z

Okay, so an angel that's swallowed a thorn bush....

I had a 'test' in my (sob) last singing lesson today. I'm very sad the lessons are over, because I so enjoyed them. Well loved the lessons, but I hated the traffic that was always terrible on the way!

We've been singing:

Seasons of Love
Can You Feel The Love Tonight
As If We Never Said Goodbye
Fever
Rhythm of Life
Who Will Buy

I've been Singing:

With One Look
I'm Not That Girl
On My Own
Beautiful Dreamer

Classic Movie

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I Want To Be In America

2005-06-18T23:10:00.000Z

Everythings free in America....
For a Small Fee in America!

I'm Going to America! 5 Days now!

A long and somewhat tedious process of interviews and references (Thanks Ann & Dickie, and Miss Moore!) and some waiting, and some more waiting, finally enabled me to get a job working at Camp Candlewood in Connecticut! Girl Scouts all the way!

Who said I wasn't a big kid at heart? I'M SO EXCITED!!

America!! 3 months! America!!

Okay, so yeah, I'll be working 22 hours a day with a bunch of American....children but they love me and I'm sure it'll be one hell of a summer. I can't wait! I'm sure they'll all come out Cher fans.

And no, there will not be some international disaster, the children will not wind up rocking by the campfire side, and everything will be Wonderful!

America Beware!!

The Northern Star

2005-06-10T22:30:00.002Z

Joanna Riding

The Northern Star in the West End

This woman makes me sick. First of all, she is absolutely gorgeous. Second, she has a incredible singing voice and is such a talented and versatile actress. And to top it all off, she's totally down to earth and incredibly sweet!

Plus, this chick rides a motorbike! Is it even possible?

This Lancashire lass is one of the most awesome, incredible singers and actresses ever to grace the stage. I have been a fan since 2000 when I saw her as Jane Smart in The Witches of Eastwick musical.

I saw her a hundred times (well, almost) in The Witches of Eastwick until it closed in 2001. That really annoyed me as I had tickets for about two weeks after it closed and couldn't see an earlier show as I had performances of my own!

La vie est vraiment merde.

She took over from the less 'experienced' Martine McCutcheon to star as Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. She was again fantastic!

After she left My Fair Lady, she disappeared up to Manchester to star in Hobson's Choice and The Happiest Days of Your Life.

She recently starred alongside Penelope Keith in Blithe Spirit at Bath Theatre Royal, where I got to meet her for the first time! Woohoo!

She was very nice, unlike Penelope Keith who told me off (just kidding - sort of) , and answered a load of my questions when I went down to talk to her after a post performance talk. (Ok, so she really didn't have much of a choice...."Jo! Don't go!")

So, Joanna, if you ever stumble across this page...
I love you!

And I hope someday to be working with you!

(Pray for me)

Look At Me

You Don't Know Jack Schitt

2005-06-06T18:30:00.000Z

INTRODUCING JACK SCHITT

Something I read when I was in school, I found it mildly amusing:

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!

You're No Bunny Till Some Bunny Loves You.

2005-06-05T20:23:00.000Z

Strange facts you may not know about bunnies from here

*bunnies aren't rodents. they're lagomorphs.
*bunnies are crepuscular: not diurnal nor nocturnal, they are most active around dusk or dawn
*bunnies have three sets of eyelids
*bunnies cannot vomit

Fairy Nuff.

Up, Up and Away!

2005-06-02T15:41:00.001Z

.

This week's back up career of choice (you have to have one when striving for a life in the theatre) seems to be an Air Stewardess. Glorified waitress! Get to see the world! All for under £10, 000 p/a! What can I say? How thrilling it must be to suck up to the First Class passengers, to deal with the adorable ... who am I kidding...little pests that won't shut up. How do you seat a passenger who is too Fat to fit in the seats? Should they be even allowed on board?

I can just see me now in my little uniform, greeting passengers with a smile. Do they really actually smile? Goodness knows, it might be to lull the boarding passenger into a false sense of security if they smile. "Do come aboard this oh, so very safe mode of transport, where you will be treated with the utmost care and respect".

Emergency Exits here, there, everywhere. Perhaps include it into your upper body workout - point left, point ahead, point behind.

Member of the Mile High Club? Is there a reduced membership fee for flight crew?

What about the latest terrorism scare? How do you approach this? Do you think they'd let you off lightly if they knew you'd slept with the entire Arabian Polo team? How long could I be amused running up and down the aisles screaming "We're all going to die!"?

Okay - upon mentioning this current career idea to a few of my customers (at the pub, you perv.) I was thrown back the answer that I didn't have the personality to become an air stewardess. Apparently, you need to be peaches and cream and I'm more grapefruit and vinegar. My tongue is too sharp - or something. And I'm not allowed to call the customers/passengers names. I said "Excuse me?!" I had never called any of them names. Not out loud anyway. Sharp tongue?! Hah! Me? I don't think so, I'm sweet and sensitive as they come.

Come fly with me!

Frost Me

2005-05-23T12:39:00.000Z

Loree Rodkin makes simply some of the most beautiful jewellery ever created. That's all I have to say on the matter.

You can see some of it here

.

The Final Farewell.....?

2005-05-22T22:48:00.000Z

This is it. 22nd May 2005. One year to the day that I saw my last Cher Farewell concert here in England. What a show. What a show! And I had the most amazing seats. FRONT ROW! That's it people! That means I was, for about two hours, little more than a metre away from CHER! That means eye contact - and a smile from the Ultimate Diva herself!

THE EXCITEMENT BUILDS....

After a long, tiring journey to the other end of the country, we climbed out of the car and began the long walk to the doors of the venue. Along the way we saw the bright faces of others making their way to the concert. People chattered excitedly, compared tickets, all waiting to be allowed in to see CHER!
Soon the doors opened and we climbed the steps following the dozen or so people in front of us. It was at that moment that my terror of fake tickets was at its all time high and I was almost nauseous at the thought that I had spent too much money and travelled too far to be turned away now.

With a shaking hand, I handed over our tickets and... *HALLELUJAH!* The woman tore off the stub and ushered us thorough the door. After a drink and hunting down the merchandise stall to spend even more money, we went on the search for our seats.
The first door we entered lead us into a dark stairway with the promise of excitement by the noise of the crowd and bright blue and purple lights at the top. When we reached the last stair we looked around us and saw we were at the top of what looked like a huge pit full of people. The height was astounding. Before we could move any further, we were stopped by a woman in the uniform of the venue. We handed over our tickets and after a quick glance at them, she handed them back. With a smirk, she indicated that our seats were somewhere deep in the depths of that over crowded pit.

We returned to the bottom of the stairway and back into daylight.
We continued our walk around the venue eventually ending up at a door that looked promising. On entering, we were stopped by another usher person. They directed us to walk down a long, long, stairway. We did as we were told and found ourselves on the floor of the great pit. After working through about five more ushers, we were walking towards the stage, the stage where one CHER was going to be performing in that very same evening!

Finally, we were shown to our seats. Our seats on the front row. Our seats that were just a barrier from the stage. Our seats that were just a few feet from CHER!
After laughing hysterically at the people who were at the top, far, far away from CHER, I had a good look at the people I was actually laughing at and I saw, not just people my age who were frequent gig goers, no, I saw old people, young people, and middle eged people. There were couples and families, there were girls' night out groups complete with sparkly wigs and hats, and some very good looking gay guys. I was particularly interested in the people who had dressed up, there were some guys in sailor costumes, some who had dressed as Sonny and Cher, and even one woman who had painted her tits on her back in homage to Cher's comment about her cosmetic surgery "If I want to put my tits on my back, that's my business!"

I was determined to do some networking. I went over to say hello to a couple of people I had met in some online CHER fan clubs, chatted to some Ushers and people around the stage and then returned to my seat to wait for the music to begin...

ON BOARD TO CHER PARADISE

After sitting through multiple adverts for 'The Stepford Wives' which stars the ever fabulous Bette Midler, we were introduced to the bold, brazen head purser of Pam Ann Airlines; Pam Ann herself.

All in all, I think it's not bad for an airline that doesn't make the same mistake more than three times! Maybe four. (Did you feel it? We hit an EasyJet on the way over - trying to get their number)

To Be Continued....

Some Tough Questions

2005-05-16T17:31:00.000Z

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A -

Associates with crooked poli ticians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B -

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your Choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

----------------------------------------------

Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember:

Amateurs built the Ark

Professionals built the Titanic

and in case you never saw this one..! ...

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been ar rested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Mystery of The Missing Earrings

2005-05-11T18:01:00.000Z

Somewhere between where ever I am and my home is a small black hole that seems to enjoy swallowing one of a pair of my earrings. Never a whole pair, just one. And they are always my favourite.

So - here is my left over earring collection. If you find the other (who knows where the black hole leads) or happen across another similar, drop me a line! Thanks!

Oh yes, they are a bit blurry, but you get the idea.

This one came from Cordoba in Spain. You can get a lot of Witch earrings but this one is special. It moves for a start, wiggles as she flies. More character than a lot you see as well.

This is so super retro. I found it in Camden market. Cheap and loud but one of my favourites never the less!

UPDATE: I've found the other one to this - it had slipped under the seat in my car! Woohoo!

To Baldy Go.....

2005-05-06T19:03:00.002Z

Yeah, yeah, I know it's an old one...

Patrick Stewart.

!

Last saturday I went to see the last night of 'A Life In The Theatre'

http://www.alifeinthetheatre.com/

Simply hysterical!

Robert, the fading star of a small town American playhouse suddenly
discovers he has a rival: the charming and ambitious newcomer John...

One of David Mamet’s most delightful and poignant plays, this hilariously observed comedy delivers all the absurdity, the joy and the heartache of
A LIFE IN THE THEATRE.

So, it didn't matter too much that the pair of them (the other was Joshua Jackson....?) were too cowardly to face the two or three hundred people waiting to see them at the stage door.

Yes, I admit it. We were there too. But chatting to people there, it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Before the show started we wandered around London - one of my favourite pastimes. We went around the Theatre Museum in Covent Garden, where I was dressed up as a poor servant girl, and had a lesson on 1920's style stage makeup. A quick look in the gift shop revealed that they were selling off practically all of their merchandise for ridiculously low prices. So, I bought about 5 books for a fiver. Euripides, Shakespeare, Moliere. Awesome. Now all I need is the time to read them in.

http://www.theatremuseum.org.uk/

A lovely meal in an Italian restaurant, one of my favourite cuisines and off to the theatre.

The Inner Child

2005-04-05T23:44:00.000Z

Is this why I get on so well with children?

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

Just Plain Chez

New York to New Paltz

USA OKay

Bucket List

When I Rule The World

Because I could not stop for Death

Ugh

MoonStruck

Important Lesson

Time Now...

*Cheers*

Jabberwocky

Just Plain Chez

That Old Feeling

Still Fat

Angles of Angels

One Fine Day...

Kubla Khan

Death is Nothing at All

A Long Overdue Realisation

The Sad Passing Of Common Sense

Cheese Please

Embraceable You

The Fat of The Land

Katrina, Part 2: The Week In Hell

Room 101

Beware The Goths

Bittersweet Return

The Gift of Chocolate

Katrina Part 1: The Arrival In New Orleans

The End......and The Beginning!

URGENT REQUEST

The Ultimate Cocktail

Only Two Weeks Left!

Peace Returns.....Temporarily

Don't Alarm The Llama!

How Much Wood......

The First Day

The Last Night...

It's My Party.....

Voice of An Angel.....

I Want To Be In America

The Northern Star

You Don't Know Jack Schitt

You're No Bunny Till Some Bunny Loves You.

Up, Up and Away!

Frost Me

The Final Farewell.....?

Some Tough Questions

Mystery of The Missing Earrings

To Baldy Go.....

The Inner Child

Cheers